Image by Laura Katie Photography
All my life, I have felt adoption would be my path to motherhood, so when we started trying for you, I was scared. Afraid of labor. Afraid of taking care of a tiny human. But mostly, I was afraid we would never conceive. You can imagine how shocked I was in April when I felt you with me for the first time.
I had been studying for my final architecture exam and honestly, was distracted. We had only just started trying, and I assumed it would take at least a few months. After a few days of feeling extra tired and bloated, I knew I was pregnant. I told your daddy, and he was stunned. He wanted me to take a pregnancy test right away, but I wanted to wait a week until after my exam. I did not want anything looming over me so that I could fully experience the joy you would bring. On the morning of April 20, a test confirmed what we already knew. We were pregnant with you. Our little sweet pea.
Oh, your daddy was so happy. He could not stop smiling, and he wanted to tell everyone. We kept you a secret, so you could be just ours for a little while. Those first few weeks of our little family of three were extra special. Even Breeze, our pup, was super snuggly, and I think she knew. You would have been the best of friends.
As the weeks passed, I waited for the morning sickness to kick in, but most days, I forgot I was even pregnant. Daddy took such great care of us. He brought home milkshakes, just because, even though you really seemed to like fruit and fresh salads. I always imagined I would workout every day during pregnancy, but I was so exhausted. Most days I slept in, or took a bath instead. You definitely taught this momma how to rest. I gathered all the baby books, and absorbed as much information as I could. I desperately wanted to do everything perfectly.
I photographed my first three weddings with you. I was terrified of feeling sick, or being too tired, but you were so good. Watching the parent dances felt extra special this year, because I imagined you on your wedding day.
We had our first doctor’s appointment the day before your daddy’s birthday. The doctor told me what I could and couldn’t eat and said we would get to see you at our next appointment. We left the next day for Washington, D.C. Your daddy loves airplanes, so we made a spontaneous trip to the Air and Space Museum. We spent the whole weekend walking through one of our favorite cities. We had a few cupcakes, saw the monuments, and stopped at every baby boutique we could find. We settled on a D.C. baby book as your first gift. That Mother’s Day weekend was full of joy and excitement, and that’s how I like to remember our time with you.
That weekend, I started bleeding. The doctor said this would happen and not to worry, but the night of May 12, I knew something was wrong. I was up all night with painful contractions and in the morning, I called the doctor. They told me to go to the hospital right away. Your daddy held my hand as we waited for our ultrasound. He had to be strong for both of us, because I already knew we had lost you. The ultrasound confirmed our fears, and your Daddy and I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch. I am not superstitious, but Friday, May 13, was the worst.
As we slowly began telling friends and family, we were overwhelmed by the meals, flowers and sweet notes that arrived on our doorstep. In your 9 weeks of life, you were already so loved.
Image by Laura Katie Photography
Not a day goes by that we do not think of you. This journey has been incredibly painful, but God is teaching us new things along the way. I think I always knew tragedy would be a part of our path, but it breaks my heart to see your Daddy hurting. He has been so supportive and loving, and I have never felt closer to him. Thank you for bringing us together.
We did not get to meet you, but we know Jesus is holding you tight until we can. We cannot wait for that day. Until then, you will always be our first. We love you.